Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have A different put where American Gentlemen can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer Everybody a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be smooth power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he must prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional Trump Tower Damascus brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after locating the building's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Characteristics

Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where guests may ponder obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Community Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is previously attracting interest from Global traders, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even include things like:

A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to hold out to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a lodge in which my PTSD may have convert-down service."

An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."